I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
