Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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