I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
