If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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