Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
