Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
COCAINE IS GR8
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
