i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
