My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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