We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
