Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
