You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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