so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
