Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
