I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You were trust falling into bushes
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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