wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
