Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
