I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
