Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
