i just sent this text using only my big toe
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
