someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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