How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
