dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
