Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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