Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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