I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
