Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
