bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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