mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
