So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
