Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
