I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
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My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
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Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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