I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
