On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
