She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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