i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
