Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
