Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize