i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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