My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
