So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
