i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i came on her dog
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
