I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
