so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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