I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
