There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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