When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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