Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
