Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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