now i know why i became what i already was.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
