Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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