I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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