i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Drunk is not a location!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
