I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
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I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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