My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
