I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
