I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
