I am puke
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
