I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
