I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
