I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
