I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
