seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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